I want to be a 'Jane Birkin'

A muse to be more precise. It's on my 'Things to be, before I die' list. I'd like to be able to inspire someone.

I disclosed my desire to a friend sometime back and he was like, "whose Jane Birkin?" To all you crazy people who are living under a rock Jane Birkin is an English actress/singer. The Hermès Birkin (now we all know what that is!!) bag has been inspired and designed for her. It is still an extremely coveted bag, people are on the waiting list to own that bag. Now, who wouldn't want to be Jane Birkin?

Lots of people consider muses as just beauty and no brains, so no one really wants to be a muse. The way I see it, to be able to inspire someone must be so awesome! Also, I think muses come across as these carefree characters that need to be expressed in a beautiful way (such as a handbag design, or a song). I want to be that carefree character.

Besides, loving the fact that Jane Birkin inspired a classic bag, she also did a duet with her lover of the time Serge Gainsbourg, called "Je t'aime... moi non plus" which means 'I love you, nor do I' or something along those lines. It was banned in the UK as it was considered lewd.




xxx

It's official...I'm a workaholic!

I like working...QUITE a lot! Most people see work as a burden, but I enjoy what I do. Sure, I hate the political drama and I'm not very good with certain people. But at the end of the day, give me an article to write and I'll love it.

My closest peeps know that. I will prioritize my work over anything. In fact, my main criteria for a guy is, he has to be a workaholic. My ex worked most weekends, and I didn't mind it so much. Only someone who can love his work as much as I love my work can understand me. It's complicated.

I never tried to deny this. Sure, I like having a life besides work (an after work drink never hurt anyone). But I think, increasingly, I look forward to Mondays. Last week, I pulled an all-nighter at work, tumbling back home at 4.45am and then worked a full day on a Sunday. That was the best Sunday I had in months! Terrible, I know.

It's sad, but it's true.

Shout out!

My friend has a new bloggie and it's ace. Check it out:

http://the-impression-of-a-dead-cucumber.blogspot.com/

Loving the humor :)


xxx

Music to my ears

I'm not one for instrumental songs, I LIKE lyrics. I stumbled upon the video of 'Explosions in the Sky' and fell in love. Check out the videos below, top notch, aye!







If you don't like any, well then you are a cold heartless twat...sorry! :)

Singledom

Last night I had gone out feeling very Carrie Bradshaw-ish. Before we all jump to assumptions that "Of course I'd want to be Carrie Bradshaw because I'm me...blah blah" let me clarify - I am not a Sex & The City fan. The only reason I watched the movie was for the clothes and the only reason I watched the re-runs was so that I could understand the movie. Makes sense? Well, in my head it does!

I only realized how Carrie-esque (mixed with a little bit of Blair Waldorf) I was, when I stumbled home in the wee hours of the morning, stood in front of the mirror - one hand on hip, the clutch tucked firmly under other arm, heels, pose et all. Not a bad look I'd say since quite a large chunk of the female population want to be her.

Anyway, back to last night. It was a good night, I'd say. I danced - which if you knew me is a HUGGGGEEEE deal. I don't dance, unless I'm alone in my house (well then I dance a lot, while cooking, while getting ready...basically all the time).

So there I was, required Jack & Coke in hand, looking uber trendy, dancing the night away, and I realized I'm doomed to be single. The realization dawned on me just like that, as I was leaning against a chair, giving my aching feet some much required rest, when SNAP! it hit me, I'm officially a member of SINGLEDOM. It didn't help that the peeps I had gone out with were ALL coupled up! SUCKS! I never imagined myself to be the single friend.

Suddenly, from being the girl with a "successful" (or long, for me it makes no difference coz relationships are never a success story) relationship, I have now been pushed into the "single girls" category. This is not the "hot girl single" category. Oh no no no my dear friend, this is that "over 25 poor you don't have a guy" category.

I get that look too, you know, when someone realizes I belong to THAT category. Everyone automatically assumes I'm coupled up. The "aww, you poor girl" with the head tilt look or worse the shocked "how can you be single" look. And then I get clubbed into the divorcee, the girl with the long distance boyfriend and the fug group. SUCKS!

I don't mind being single, really! Although being clubbed into the single girls group or the getting sympathy looks kinda is a bummer. Maybe I just need more single friends!

xxx

Phone call

This is purely fictional. I wrote this a while back to experiment with different styles of writing - I wanted to know if I could write a chick novel or not. This is a conversation between two friends (I tried to make it super girly). I don't like it much - it doesn't lead anywhere, but I thought I'll post it here as it has been lying around hidden on my laptop - thought I'd show it some light of the day.



She had been staring at her computer screen for a little less than an hour. Her notes scrawled in her childish handwriting on her notebook lay next to the black laptop, the blank page of Microsoft glared at her.
She picked up her phone, looked at the time, checked for new messages, played a game or two. “Inspiration, inspiration…” she muttered. The fact that La Roux was melodically screaming she’s bulletproof on Radio 1, didn’t help the thoughts flow any easier.
“It’s a trend report, how hard could it be” she sighed. Of course, it was a mammoth task when your entire career depended on it. This one article – maybe, hopefully could land her a job, any job! Or not, depending on how dependable people were.
December 28th, 2009 and Zi was glad the terrible year was coming to an end. The trouble with being 24 is, she thought, you are like a little bird, glad to be alive – but still dependent on others. “Oh lordy, lordy, make things alright already!” she screamed to no one in particular.

The phone rang, Zi let it go to the answer phone – inspiration was still a far cry away. “Hello my lil’ fashionista, we missed you at the party last night. I met that guy again, he asked about you and wasn’t surprised when I mentioned you were home, probably buried under a pile of pillows...” Zi leaped on to grab the phone – “What do you mean he wasn’t surprised?” A crackle of laughter came from the other end, “Anne, you know you sound like a hyena when you laugh like that” “Hyena or not, I knew you would pick up the phone as soon as I mentioned him.” “Well, that’s no fair, I was just working on my article” A long silence followed, then more laughter. “Is that Fearne Cotton I hear in the background? Dah-ling Zi, I know you think she’s fashionable and all, but living vicariously through her won’t help you, anyhoo, I’m coming over. Lovely, go take a shower – I have news you might like, toodles.” Click.

Zi was left mumbling, as she glanced a look in the mirror. How does your best friend know that you still haven’t showered at four pm, she thought. Anne, or Annabell Foxely may not be the best influence, but she was the best friend a girl could ask for. She walked like she owned the world, didn’t give a damn about the rumors circulating about her and loved Zi like a sister. To top it she was drop dead gorgeous, those bones could give Kate Moss a run for her money. But Anne’s idea about modelling, like everything else, was a bit extreme – “Modelling is like prostitution, and I don’t sell my body. It’s only for me & the men I choose to devour on – exclusive you know.” Anne would proclaim. That girl was crazy, Zi thought.


Right then, she switched her laptop off and ran to the bathroom to scrub herself clean for the big news her bestie was about to lay down on her.


xxx

I am who I am; your approval is not needed !

I was sipping coffee this morning, very much minding my own business, when all of a sudden one of my cousins (I have loads!) remarks that I'm very different from the rest. Well, I've heard this one before.

Anyway, back to this morning. So when my cousins made this remark, my aunt chipped in and said that it was only last night that she was having a discussion with her husband (o.m.g. people discussing me - hate hate hate!!!) of how different I am. In fact my uncle went to the extent of wondering, who am I like, I'm not like my father or my mother - both of whom are highly sociable people. I'm neither like my siblings - throw them in a crowd and they'd come out winning hearts! Me? Well, I'm more reserved. Not to people I know well, but I have my moods and of late I have just shut myself from everyone. It's a terrible thing, I know!

In the past couple of years, every time I exclaimed I'm anti-social or it's hard for me to make friends, I'd have people laugh at me saying that throw me in any situation and I'm bound to make people like me. This was said by few of my closest peeps, so I think they are a bit biased when it comes to my charm.

So who am I like, if not my family? If you had a look at the quieter side of me and you knew my family, you wouldn't think I was a part of them. I can shut myself out for months, and only ever rely on myself to get over my grief. It's not that I don't need anyone - heck, I love my family and it's nice to know they are the one stable factor in my life. They are my past, present and future. I see myself in them a lot, and the days I don't, I know I'm still a part of them no matter how far I try to run away.

My brother, in fact is the only one who can reach me when I'm in one of my moods and in his vicinity.

All my life, I fought to be different, to like different things, to choose my own life. I have that now. And I know, my family has let me be everything I want to be.

Irrespective of whether I choose to party all night or be a batliwali the fact remains I am like my family in more ways than meets the eye.

I don't really think I am all that different. Heck, I'm not special at all. And you know what? Finally, after all these years, I'm happy being ordinary. I am me.


xxx

What have I become, my sweetest friend?*

I suppose society is wonderfully delightful. To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it is simply a tragedy.

- Oscar Wilde


On 31st January 2010, I was extremely upset. Finally, after being shaken out of it, I managed to mumble that I'd like what she's having.This 'she' was someone I knew in London - perfect job, perfect boyfriend, the good life. 'She' is younger than me, so I wanted all this soon, I was really sick of waiting. It wasn't a case of envy, I just wanted my dreams to come true, enough already!

In exactly a month, I'll be turning twenty-five.I'm actually looking forward to this birthday more than any other year. I'm supposed to be all grown up now. So, I did live up to part of my deadline, I did land the dream job but alas, I feel I lost a lot along the way. It's hard for me to be happy, when I have no one to be happy with.

Loneliness is something I've always battled. But this time it's been worse. In particular, I hate weekends, absolutely detest Sundays. Today, is a Sunday - the worst in the past three and a half months. I used to look forward to them, now I wish I could lay in bed, locked in the room all day and just wait for Monday to come. Mondays are better, at least I have things to look forward to, even if it's trying to settle in office.

"Everyone I love, goes away in the end."*



It sucks, no one has time for me. I'm sorry for this rant, but I'm trying to get over my heart hurting so much.

xxx

*Lyrics from Hurt by Johnny Cash

I *heart* EM cartoons

Her website http://www.emcartoons.com/

Men are idiots...clearly!

xxx

Bloggity, blog!

So I've started blogging again, eh? Well, I'd like to hope so. I still have very limited access to the intarwebz so I'm not promising anything.

Besides being on a general low for the past few days/weeks (I've lost count of how long it has been) I don't know if I can muster up any fun stories. And we all hate emos (actually, I don't but whatever!!)

I have a story that I want to post on to here, it's not a sad one, it's incomplete and it's very girly! I'm never going to finish writing that, but I want to post it never the less. Feedback would be mucho appreciated.

For now, here's a song I love (oh god, it feels good to have access to Youtube!!!), 'Why don't you love' By Beyonce <3

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

xxx

Norwegian Wood

I just finished reading a really good book. I was regretting the end of it much before it came. Devouring every page like it was chocolate, making sure I always had a little left for tomorrow.

Norwegian Wood, by Haruki Murakami, is a book I loved so much that I actually want to hide it and never ever look at it again. Strange, I know! Compared to all the other books, such as TheSun Also Rises, Purple Hibiscus and even Let me Go, that I have loved, I have always wanted to re-read it. But with Norwegian Wood, the minute I shut it for the last time today, I literally hid it under my bag - it's a sad story, a very very sad story.

Unlike most sad stories, I didn't cry at the end of this. (Mainly because, I think I've cried myself out for everything else that has been hurting me...I have no tears left!) I'm just filled with this empty feeling.

The story is about a boy, Watanbe whose best friend kills himself when he's 17. He carries on with life, moves to Tokyo and bumps into his dead best friend's girlfriend. To get over her grief, she too moves away from their home town. Soon enough they form a friendship and then fall in love. To cut a long story short, Naoko (the girlfriend) is extremely troubled in life and ends up in an asylum. Watanbe tries to be there and goes on coping with his life. Unexpectedly, he befriends and falls in love with a girl from his class Midori. Although, it's not until the very end that he realises it's love! It's easy to love two or more people at the same time, it's only human. The boundaries, though, that one creates is what makes us better or worse. I love the way the boundaries and the understanding between the characters are drawn.

It's not a love story, it's a sad story - possibly the saddest book I've read in the longest time, and that too at a very wrong part of my life!

There's a line in the book (and even though it sounds romantic - it probably is) that has been stuck in my head since I read it. Midori tells this to Watanbe:

"I'm not going to believe in any damned revolution. Love is all I'm going to believe in."

And to be honest, this quote hits all the right notes with me, conjuring up emotions I never knew I had.

Naoko dies in the end. I'm guessing whoever reads my blog will not be rushing to buy a copy for themselves - the books and music I love are usually not liked by you lot (I know, I know!) Anyway, the reason I'm writing this post is not to review the book per se, but to be able to put my feelings down about it. I'd have loved to talk to someone whose read the book, but alas (!) I'm a lonely cat.

I chose this book amongst the many other Murakamis because, I loved the way the author describes Watanbe's memory of Naoko. It's enough to make you fall in love.
I don't know - this is probably a very stupid feeling, but with the end of this book, I almost felt like a part of me had reached its end. Like I said, a very stupid feeling, but with what's been happening lately, I know how I can put things like this to context.

Anyway, I'm sad. I love the book, and it's a beautiful story. Truly touching. Read it, if you like sad stories like me, don't if you are a cold, twisted, heartless human being!

Also, here's the song Norwegian Wood by the Beatles, enjoy :)




xxx

Ra ra ra roma ma ma, ga ga ga oo la la !

It's simple to say I *heart* her



I want your leather studded kisses !! <3

xxx

Love and Marriage

There's something about the term "marriage" that sends chills down my back, and not in a good kind of way ! For some crazy reason, I don't believe in it at all.

I know, somewhere along the line, I will get married. It might be outta sheer pressure from my parents or because I'd want to spend every second of my life with someone who actually loves waking up next to me. I don't know.

A bunch of my close school friends are married now. When I say a bunch, three out of the five or six of us. I was hanging out with them the other day, I ended up quietly brooding in one corner, mainly because the topic of conversation revolved around jewelery and marriage ! Two things, I don't like, unless it's Erickson Beamon jewelery!

This freaks me out ! I know it shouldn't freak out a girl whose twenty four and a half year old who has been raised to believe that the right age for a girl to get married is twenty three, but it does !

I'm a big cynic when it comes to things like love and marriage. I refuse to believe that someone could love another person so much for the rest of their lives. The whole idea of taking someone for granted creeps in and I LOVE the unpredictable. How many husbands randomly get flowers for their wives? Life creeps in, kids creep in, priorities change. I'm not selfish and I understand that as you grow older, life changes and other things require more attention than whispering cute nothings (total cheese no!!) Love shove fades away and all you are left with is a very hectic life ! I understand that love can be a very simple gesture, like having your partner's coffee ready every morning because you know if you don't keep it ready she'll be running late ! It's the simple things in life no? So when these simple things cease to exist then what?

The kind of guy I would want to be with probably doesn't exit. I'd have to carve him out myself. This guy would totally be totally comfortable with my long silences AND my crazy antics !! He would understand that I'm full of contradictions, that one day I'd be totally pro marriage and the next day I'd be anti it, he'd know that even though I work in the fashion industry, I often find people like me empty and shallow and thus I constantly try to like everything else but fashion ! He would know that I'm so full of emotion that I could cry and laugh at the same time (I'm weird!!) He would understand and also encourage the fact that I love work more than I could ever love a guy! He would be okay with the fact that I'm a little fucked up in my head! I've been with guys who don't bat an eyelid when I cry, to guys who would freak out if I so much as said "ouch" on the phone ! There is a long list and I don't know if anyone would fit in. I'm not demanding, I don't like materialistic things. I'd rather get a random call saying "Hey dude, I freakin love you" rather than a Louis V ! youkowwhatimsayin?

I once got into a conversation with a friend, who was completely surprised that I don't believe in marriage, even though I have not seen one broken marriage ! We came to the conclusion, I'm scared of marriage, simply because there is a lot of peer and other pressure for me to settle down with a normal life! Marriage wouldn't be so scary if I was allowed to do it at my own time. Surely, if you love you don't need to put it in writing so that society accepts & respects you as a couple? I feel marriage is more a social obligation than something that makes a couple happy! I maybe wrong, but then again it's my blog, my opinion !!

To be honest, I don't even know if love exists or if it is simply a term you put together when two people just want to be with each other for completely selfish reasons?

xxx

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

So it's kinda known that I don't write happy posts. You can't say I didn't try, "Happiness for sale" was a pretty happy post, no?

But the fact is, of late, I'm actually really happy :) I have Tiny Dancer by Elton John constantly stuck in my head and I dance a little when no one is looking, of course I'm not crazy to dance when someone IS looking ! :P

I have a job, it's not the ideal job, but it's a job nonetheless AND if anyone who knows me, will know, I'd rather be doing something than sit at home. I love the idea of waking up early and actually have something to do with my life. My job can be pretty sucky and I get hit by massive dust allergy as soon as I walk into my office (imagine, Shrutters sneezing throughout the day!!), but I love love love love that I'm doing something.

The thing is, I'm not the kinda person who likes to go shopping and for lunches and stuff all the time. I have this innate desire to do something other than that, maybe that's why I'm so fuckin' scared of ever becoming a housewife !! Although saying that, if I do ever become a housewife, I'd be the motherfucking best Stepford Wife ever !!

Also, since I've moved to Bombay now, I have an inkling I just might might might be able to do things I always wanted to. The thing about Bombay is, you get the opportunity. I'm away this weekend, but there is the Kala Ghoda festival going on, and I love that festival. It's so artsy and kitschy! Also, every time I read about a random play or art show in the paper, I make a mental note that I'll go for it. There was this art show about modern Krishna & his sexuality (I know, I know) and it's a collection of photographs, that I thought was pretty cool. There was this one picture with a dude dressed up as modern Krishna riding a Vespa I think (I *heart* Vespa OK!!)

Right now, I'm still settling in, but I'm pretty damn sure that I'll end up doing a lot of things I've wanted to, I'd be darned if I don't !!



So let me go back to my dancing, I'll write an emo post soon, I promise :D

xxxx

C'est la vie, mon cherie

Life is a funny thing. A dark comedy at it's best.

Yesterday, my uncle started a discussion. He asked, " what is more important in life?" It was a multiple choice question, to which he argued, breath is most important in life, without breath, you can't have a life. My sister and I argued happiness is more important - what is the use of breathing daily when you are unhappy?

I've always believed life is really about chasing happiness. Now, happiness can mean different things to different people. For some its wealth, for some it's the affection of their kids, for some it's having at the very least three meals and a roof to live under. Happiness is what we all aim for.

Happiness along with content is what life is all about. Life is hard, why make it more complicated?

I love the Persian saying, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet."

We all want a lot of happiness, true and it's not bad to want to be happy. But we need to understand what happiness and being content truly means.

I have met so many people who hate their jobs. I'm sorry you feel that you can't contribute enough, or achieve what you want to in your job. But think a second about those people who have lost their jobs or don't have a job at all, even though they believe they have the potential.

I worked hard through my university days, I was always bordering towards below average in school. When I moved to London, I wanted to prove to a lot of people that I am capable. I wanted a good job, so I studies, interned, worked in the uni newspaper, uni tv, and even tried my hand at hospital radio.

I don't come from a background where girls or even boys are allowed to do whatever they want.

Two years after graduating, I'm still unemployed. It hurts.

I don't believe in regrets, but since we are on the topic of life, I thought I'll share one thing that has completely altered my life.

The day I moved back from India. Maybe in a few years' time I won't be filled with such remorse. But I wish I could go back to life pre-October 2009. For most of the time, I was happy. I was content. And it was because I had the one thing in my life there, that refuses to come here with me. I had moments of sheer depression and frustration in London, but nothing compared to this.

"Loneliness is the most terrible poverty." But when you are surrounded even by familiar faces and you feel alone, that's terrible! To know, that not a single one of them knows you, it hurts.

I feel broken to the point of no repair. I feel alone and I don't know where I belong.

Yes, indeed in life you could have everything, all the luxuries and amenities, but it all fails when your heart is crying out for help.

I've had this song playing in loop in my head the last couple of days, and it seems so right:

"I haven't really found a place I call home,

I never really stick around long to make it...it's just a thought, only a thought."

- life for rent by di

*sorry I don't remember the correct lyrics, but the song fits.

* loneliness quote by Mother Theresa

Xxx