OMG!!! just saw the new episode of One Tree Hill....and loved it sooo much !! OH the drama !! Best episode everrrrrrrrrrr !!!! x

Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Happy Halloween.
Oh what fun it is to ride,
In a yellow submarine.

Why do I keep avoiding going to Sainsburys?
I have just spent the past 45 minutes in my kitchen, looking for food, believing that I have food in the fridge. I was soooo wrong ! The only thing edible in my fridge is Melons, not what I had planned for dinner !
After days of going hungry, I finally decided to cook myself a delicious meal- an Indian meal aka HARD WORK. Instead I was thwarted by the emptiness of my refrigerator. I have been thinking about making peas curry for myself for quite some time now. Pleased with the fact, I ignored my tummy's growling when I passed a welcoming Pret. To cook peas curry, the main ingredient is, but of course, PEAS. As I searched my fridge in vain, I realised that my portion of peas has gone missing. After much thought I remembered the last time I cooked, during which I emptied the peas packet into my then delicious curry. Disappointed as I was, I wasn't ready to give up on my mission to cook. So I searched the freezer for frozen parathas. An easy option, but yet again I faced disappointment when I realised I don't have any packets of frozen Parathas. Searching all the shelves, the only eatable options I found were:
1) Maggi (not dinner material)
2) Popcorn (yet again not dinner material)
3) Pasta (not my favourite one, and that too on the top shelf !)

Talk about mission impossible !
And I wonder why do I avoid going to Sainsburys? I mean its barely minutes away from home. But think about it this way. Aisles of freezers, bright lights that blind you, and happy families around, eugh, the thought makes me sick ! To add to the woes, walking home alone, with bags full of heavy unwanted food. I say unwanted for a reason. Shopping on a hungry tummy makes you want to pick up every food item you see. I do not wish to bring home a tub of Phish Food or a frozen pizza ! I shall only regret later.
As I console myself with illogical reasons, I reach for the telephone to call for yet another meal on wheels ! There goes my resolution for healthy eating...*sigh*

Nicknames

Oh how I love nicknames. Last night I was trying to remember the different names people call me and here are a few I remember.

Shrutters *love this one*
Shrutinderjit *don't even ask*
Shrutz *used to love it at one point of my life but absolutely hate it now*
Trendy Wendy *self imposed ;)*
Guddi *ahem*
Guds *ermmm*
Gud-day *my lil cousin used to call me that...laughs*
Moti *my brother gave me that name and it hasn't changed over the years*
Guddia *mommy daddy call me this :)*
Guddu Rani *lol...my uncle calls me that...cheesy I know..but it brings a smile on my face*
Shrutu *absolutely love it*
Quapa Nerd *this one makes me laugh*
Stinking lil Poo *don't ask!!!*
Rapchik Fairy
Drama Queen *coz thats who I am!!*
KalamWali Bai *coz the pen is mightier than the Mop!*

Thats all for now folks!!!

I think people can smell fear. I have never felt so scared in all my life. Being in an unknown place not only daunted me, it took away all the confidence I had.
The only way I have known to cope with London is to put on a brave face. I try seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to get rid of the darkness around me. And thats made me what I am today- cold and ruthless. I am callous and I don't care about other people. I put on a mask but noone really knows who I am. But is it really worth it?
I believe it is. Why trust someone only to be heart broken in the end? Why give a 100% for nothing? I am in a terrible state right now, I hate who I am and I hate everything around me. I need a change, a positive one. I don't need a hero to save me, coz a hero is nothing but a man who doesn't even know how to wear his underpants! But I do need comfort. I need reassuarnce, and I need to know I am still the STAR I was once.
People say I am pretty, but for what? I don't want to be judged as a bimbette with trendy clothes. I am much deeper than most people take me for. I am not stupid, I am not irresponsible, I just live in my own world. The only person I trust is myself and that is my fault alone. In all these years I resent that I have become more hateful than ever. My prettiness, my giggles hide true feelings, if only you would dig deeper.
I contradict myself, I forget things, but I am still me !! Words flow out of my mouth, my fingers seem to want to write everything down, but I fear the reaction.
I am scared of the world, I am scared of the future. But most of all I am scared of the one person I shouldn't be scared of. I hold my feelings for myself alone, I pretend to live in a world I am not even a part of. I have given up on most of my dreams a long time ago. And slowly I will give up on the one dream I have ever cherished.

PS: I am still craving falafels !!
PPS: I hate the bakerloo line!

Its 1am and i still can't get sleep !! Sitting in this dark and comparitively empty room, listening to linger, I wonder what made me come to a strange new city. I am not the kind of person who gets homesick, but as the work pressure increases I miss being with family. I miss having people I could depend on. I miss chilling with mom, I miss the fact that my family could always get a reaction out of me. These days to actually get a true reaction from me is such a rarity.
I had my smoke meeting today, and surprise surprise, the smoke has been banned yet again ! This is really frustrating me. It all seems to boil down to the news team and well I do take the responsibility but the lack of communication is killing me !!
I feel like a lost child, a mute. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. When is it alright to throw the towel and walk away? When is alright to run away from your demons? Sooner maybe than later, before the demons eat up everything you believe in.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
- Nelly Furtado

Sundays are never good! Its either raining and you are stuck at home or its sunny and you are stuck doing work ! Well, work can not always be bad. But what about the time work makes you feel like shit !!
There are so many things running around in my mind right now. I don't know what to put my finger on.
On a friend's facebook I read: Quitters are never winners, Winners are never Quitters.
And today I am faced with the biggest dilemma of my life...am I a quitter or a winner? I know to win you have to work hard and often take a lot of bullshit. But what if when you taking bullshit and still not getting appreciated? I have worked successfully in a place where I was appreciated and definitely not treated as a kid or the new comer.
The question that keeps running in my head...should I give up something I love and something I could learn from just because I don't feel appreciated?
When I was filling in a questionnaire about Work Experiences last year, the one answer that came from my heart and mind alike was that no matter where I work I want my work to be appreciated.
I need answers coz I can't find them within myself. I am not afraid to ask for help coz I know someone somewhere better than me exits.
I love my work. Surely to ask for appreciation is not a sin? To give and not receive leads to frustration ! Which in turn leads to quitting!!
Till then I will continue to search...For the one answer I need to know-AM I A QUITTER OR WINNER?

DEATH

Dark and gloomy is the day,
Something seems to be on its way.
Dullness all around me.
Sadness is what is making me weak.
I have to go that I know.
But the love I have for you I cannot show.
Please do not weep,
The love we share is very deep.
No regret I have, no sorrow, nor joy.
I know this will be my final goodbye.

I see it coming closer to me,
Oh, I wish these tears from my eyes wouldn’t creep.
The priest is here, saying the prayers,
Mother hold me please, I am very scared.
Through joy and sorrow you have always been there,
I am sorry for I will no longer be there.

Goodbye Papa, please pray for me,
I have always been the black sheep of the family.
Is there no way out for me,
I really need you to be beside me.

I feel the divinity; I feel the silence,
I no longer feel the pain.
Now I know I will live again,
Far away from land and sea,
Paradise is where I will be.


03 February 2003.

arrrrgghhhh

I hate men ! I hate Harrow men ! I hate the boys in my university ! I'm gonna wear a burkha and go to classes now !!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh

Note to all boys:

Cat Calling won't get you anywhere
Nor will stalking.
If a girl says she doesn't wanna talk to you...WALK AWAY !
Have some self respect.
You not gonna get me like this...HELL you not gonna get any girl this way !
I'm not a dreamer, I'm not a romantic,
But the last thing I wanna hear from my stalker is that I look like an Indian Actress/Model.
Heres a thought
Why don't you try being a nice guy for a change.
The nice guys come last, and trust me they have the last laugh, at your expense !!!