A letter to the year that was

Dear 2009,

I am here to wish you farewell. You have been a tough one, a year I would like to erase from my memory.

I know we all learn from our mistakes, and I've never been one to shy away from it. I made mistakes this year, I fell, but then I stood up - wiped the dust of my clothes and was willing to walk again. They say, tough times make you the person you are - but I'm afraid tough times, just end up making a person tough. Personally, I think it's got to be really hard trying to live a life without being touched by softness and tenderness.

2009, you really kicked me below the belt and I'm trying to find the heart to forgive you and I guess over the years I will. Loneliness is in my nature, but this year, for most of the time, you left me distraught and estranged. I put on my tough face, and frankly that didn't help. It only pushed everyone further.

I've lost more relationship battles this year than I have won. I have lost people I love and care for, only to have them back & lose them again. But most of all, I've lost something I fought so hard to achieve - my self confidence.

Towards the end, you really took the piss when people told me I've wasted two years of my life - damn, that hurt. I grew confident over those two years - I found out me. Only to be knocked back down.

Physically, 2009 you are the year that my health really played havock. I'd be goddamned grateful if I don't have to go to surgery in 2010, which by the look of things - I probably will have to. I've never been to a hospital - not unless I was visiting someone - you know how scary that is?

Professionally, I learnt the ropes of a new trade & mastered it. I was given hope, only to be crushed down. To really make the pain worse, people came and told me, I don't try hard enough.

2009, help me please - I'm trying to find a happy moment with you, and I can't.

So, I've been foolish and reckless, but do I really deserve this? I am not going to celebrate the end of you - you are right now my closest friend. All those horrible memories of you are the only thing that remind me of being remotely human. The hollow heart bleeds.

You know 2009, I'm just like any other girl - just one, that has no one to go to. This was the year, I alienated my friends, and some alienated me.

I'm raging a battle inside of me. The last day of the year and frankly I don't know who I hate more - you 2009 or me.

Best wishes,
Shrutters x

Same

If I've learnt one thing over this year it is this - people are not nice. I know it's said if you are nice to someone, they will be nice to you. Maybe it's my own fault and I'm completely horrible - but end of the year & I've learnt I have no one to lean on to.
Even the closest of closest people think I went out to hurt them, when I didn't. My head is spinning all over the place and I swear to God, I never tried to hurt anyone.
Even when I was 14, and my supposedly best friend spread vile rumors about me, I didn't do anything - I let it go. That's who I am - I passively let things pass me by. I'm scared of emotion - coz I am so full of it.
I just wish people were easier to understand... I am exhausted and tired of all the fights. I just want this year to end and I would like to say I'm looking forward to the next year - but truth is, I'm not.
It's gonna be the same shit all over again.

LDN

London - I miss you, a lot!

I miss your over crowded tubes & smelly people.
I miss your rain, and how you ruin my hair with the wind.

I miss my street lined with bars and homeless alcoholics.
I miss Papa Johns.

I miss my friends, who never told me I laugh too loud or cry too much.
I miss my parties, where no matter where I went, it felt good 'coz I was surrounded by people who knew me.

I miss dinners, keeping restaurants open even if it was just us.
I miss how easy it was to talk to people.
I miss conversations.

I miss how you made me fall in love with wine.
I miss how my friends knew what to get to make a party work for me.

I miss your humor, your dry wit.
I miss how you always told me how it was.
I miss Burger King breakfasts at 4pm (that's when I'd wake up after a good night)

I miss the dreaded trip to Sainsbury's.
I miss the merciless, monotonous noise of the trains.

I miss staying up to watch Family Guy.
I miss weekends of Heroes.

I miss the cold basement of my old office.
I miss how chocolate was always around, no matter which company I worked for.
I miss Kiss FM, I miss BBC Radio 1

I miss your summers, I miss your winters.
I miss how I was always either too hot, or too cold.

I miss the familiarity.


I miss you - more than anyone could ever know.
'Coz LDN, you saw me grow up from a shy introvert to giggling mess of a woman !

Lol...

I'm easily amused ! Indian soaps are taking over the world... *laughs her head off*

xxx

The rat race

Recently, I realized all the people I've worked with in the recent past, all of them (and I mean ALLLLL) are no longer in the same position as they were when I knew them.

Everyone has gone up to become editors, junior editors or deputy editors. They all were assistants & are not much older than I am!

Oh ! I feel like the tortoise in the rat race & the finish line seems so far !!!!

xx

Vitrual Fuckery

We all have one, some may use it more than the others, but we all use it! I'm talking about social networking sites. It's pretty hard to ignore any conversation regarding Facebook, Myspace or Twitter. The media talks about, the celebrities love it. But what is this damned craze to connect with each other over a virtual network that drives us all insane?

Rewind a couple of years back, when I was a gawky little teen, I remember it was a pretty big deal to put up a picture of yourself on the internet - in case it fell into the wrong hands. Infact, people who posted their pictures online were considered uncool! But today, I have over 800 pictures of myself on my Facebook and dozens of albums with my friends being silly and having fun. It's like a storage space for me, like the time I lost my laptop, THANK GOD for Facebook as I still managed to have all my pictures, my memories.

I see kids as young as ten on Facebook with their pictures and I'm left a bit amazed. Recently, a certain incident left me shocked. Sure, you hear horror stories about people getting sacked because of their Facebook profile. There is an email that has been doing the rounds about this guy who got sacked because he pulled a sickie and his Facebook stated that he was actually not ill - just wanted a day off work.

A colleague of mine, with whom I've had my difference recently did a really stupid thing. She took pictures of herself in the office, dressed in one of our's clients clothes and posing in a very glamour model way - think The Sun page 3 model and posted it on Facebook. To take pictures were stupid in itself, but to post it on a social networking site - what was she thinking? To add fuel to the fire, she actually had the client on her friend list who was outraged at the pictures. It's an easy to guess she didn't stay in office for long after that.

The security on my Facebook is set to super high, so someone who is not on my list can't see my pictures. Heck, if you google me, my Facebook profile won't show up. But recently, my boyfriend (the geek!! *grins*) told me that if he wanted he could access all my pictures without my consent. I was left a tad bit baffled.

So what is this insane desire to be on a social networking site? How long before we move on to something shiny and new? The desire to be popular and take part in this virtual fuckery mocks me as I continue to actively take part in Facebook.

xxx

Being controversial

Recently, I stumbled upon this link on my cousin's Facebook page. Apart from his usual antics, I rarely see my cousin upload anything good enough - so when I read Channel 4 Dispatches on his profile, it really caught my eye.

The link lead me to Vimeo, where the latest Channel 4 Dispatches show had been published. The catch was, no one knew when the video would be removed from the site. My apologies, for not publishing the video on my blog, as it has been removed from both Vimeo and Channel's 4 official page.


The title of the video, itself, got me extremely excited. Channel 4 Dispatches is one of my favourite shows on television. To call it a show, would be disregarding it, because it actually is a series of documentaries. Every week, they take up a topic and discuss it in detail. On 30th June 2009, they put light on a topic very close to home. I missed it when it was aired so I was really pleased that I could finally watch it.

Most people may remember the terror attacks in the city of Mumbai on 26th November 2008. It was earth shatteringly scary and the plan boggled many of the people. Initially no one knew how many people had attacked - the plan was so cunning and heartless it left the city in a complete state of shock. But Mumbai being Mumbai, bounced back.

I remember that day was my nephew's birthday and I was busy packing for my trip to New York the next day, when I saw the news. When I saw it, I couldn't call my family, who were at the time in Mumbai and are regulars at the Taj Hotel. I could just pray they were fine. On a recent trip to Mumbai, when we went to the Taj for dinner, my sister felt extremely weird.

The documentary, well made as it always is shocked me beyond belief. Most people may not know this about me, but I love politics, I'm opionated and I love to discuss current affairs. Unfortunately, frustrating as it may be, I never find anyone willing enough to discuss current affairs - I guess people like to shy away from "serious" conversations.

Dispatches - Terror on Mumbai showed the various incidents of the horror - incidents that I couldn't find on BBC during their coverage. They showed phone conversations between the terrorists who were attacking and the person who was plotting. From these conversations and CCTV images you could see these boys were at times scared, at times ruthless. At one instance when they entered the Taj they were so taken aback by the luxury that they had to be repeatedly reminded of the job at hand. I'm not sympathizing, I find it pathetic how people end up on the wrong side of society.

What's more shocking is the media coverage? Ok, so I work in the media - but even I was repelled. I remember having a discussion with a few classmates at university. It's one of the most vivid conversations in my head. It was the journalists students against the public relations students and the discussion was war coverage. The discussion - is covering every aspect of war justified? The PR students were against the idea, saying that it puts the army and the government in a bad image. The journalists students, as shocked as we were, stood our grounds claiming that if something wrong is happening, it's vital to bring it to the attention of the masses. From the opposition's point of view, such coverage hurts the patriotic sentiments of a nation. The discussion was over, with neither of the sides believing what the others said, but what was agreed was in case a coverage causes hindrance in public and the country's safety then it's perfectly reasonable to not air or publish it. What I saw in the documentary shook my moral and ethical values, was the media actually unintentionally helping in all this? The operators of this drastic event were watching every scene on their television sets and once in a while proclaiming their delight on the phone to the attackers.

Lastly, I don't mean to be rude, or point fingers at someone - I know the Indian intelligence and police risked their lives that day. Many of the good men lost their lives, but I'm just curious, if the Indian Intelligence was recording the phone conversation why couldn't they stop it before it started?

I'm baffled. Life is a very precious thing, events like this make you realize how scary death is. Life may not always be sunshines and rainbows, value what you have...

xxx

Just coz I love the meaning of the song!

If music be the food of love, play on - Shakespeare

I was standing on the platform today, when this guy walked up and stood next to me. The train was still a whole three minutes and I could hear this thumping noise coming from somewhere. It was really audible, almost as if the music was on loud speaker. What was this - was London Transport finally installing music on platforms for my mild entertainment? Nah ! I doubt them misers would show such a kind gestures.



Then I looked at that guy and thought, "U2, really?" I smiled. I got nothing against Bono and his guys. But you know when you look at someone and immediately think "Bob here would be into a little rock n'roll", and then BAM! it hits ya, Bob is a cheeky git who actually loves Spice Girls and he is straight !!

Still smiling, I fumbled around my bag to find my own iPod, pressed play only to look up embarassed. Playing on the little gadget stuck in my bag was All I Have To Give - Backstreet Boys. Hey! Don't judge me, my iPod is a bit outdated.

xxx

A new toy!

Recently, I stumbled upon this great website. It's fun, it's quirky and it's so ME! All the boys look away now, coz this is all about fashion & style!

The website is called Looklet and it's perfect for the fashionista (or lack of) in me. I don't think I have a lot of style, but I look playing with looks. The website allows you to style their models in all the designer and high street gear. It's quite kooky, but I love it.

I created a vintage crazy look and here is the result. It's called Granny, because it's like raiding your granny's cupboard. Vintage jacket, pearls, grandad's hat, mum's old skirt...well ya know basic vintage :D

I can't stop playing with the different looks I can create on the website, it makes me soooo happy!!

Every now and then I'm going to upload my looks on my bloggie, just coz I'm trying to become obsessed with fashion. XD

xxx

The parc in the center of it all!

The weather is typically British today, cloudy with little rays of sunlight seeping through. I'm surrounded by what seems like thousands of frustrated fathers, eager mums and hyper active kids.

Kids that come in all sizes and shapes - from the toddler to the brat!
I get a feeling I don't belong here, after all it does seem like I'm the loner here - no kid dangling around my arm!


I'm unsure of how this makes me feel, relieved that I am saved from wailing babies, or sad that I feel terribly alone here and am unable to enjoy.

This is what heaven must feel like to the kids and parents who have dragged themselves and bucket loads of toys to Center Parcs, Elveden forest!

Kiddy disco to adrenaline fueled outdoor activities, this retreat offers you all the amenities under one roof. To pick a few I'd like to try my hand at water skiing, rafting, climbing just to name a few. I'd love to come back with a bunch of adrenaline junkies just to explore the fun.

As I wait outside the toddler centre for my brother, sister in law and nephew to come out and tell me their new exciting plan, I can't help but wonder about babies!

No, I'm not getting broody, I'm just curious as to what makes so many couples bring babies into the world. if the all nights and limited holidays are are anything to go by, I'm amazed to find out when these lil miracles turn into bundles of joy!

I smile and watch people play happy families wondering when my maternal instincts kick in and when I would give up my independent life for more an unfamiliar life!

Ps >I love both my nephews to pieces and yes they can be ten handfuls but I can't imagine my life without their giggles and laughter :)

XX

Mistakes

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)


She dropped her keys on the table and looked around. Everything was still the same and yet she couldn't figure out what was missing.
She checked her phone, "No new messages." tears began to well up in her eyes.
Fixing herself a drink and puffing chunks of smoke from her cigirrate, she calculated the one hour time difference, and logged on.
A mail lie unopened in her inbox, her body shivered as she clicked to read it.
"But you're right ... let's just stay friends because apparantly there wasn't anything else on the other side."
She sat there alone in the darkness with only the glow of her laptop screen.
She never did forgive herself for letting him go...
Xxx

<3 Love

xx

25 things about me, coz tagging is lame!

1. I hate shopping! Most people think I'm a shopaholic, but I have to be forced to actually buy something!

2. I love to talk, but I love to listen more. I'll only open up to someone I feel connected to, else you will never know what's going on in my mind.

3. I hate confrontations, but I don't like the silent treatment either. I don't mind if someone screams at me or argues, I break down when I'm ignored.

4. I used to deny myself food when I was in my teens because the girls I used to hang out with called me fat and ugly, but I love food now and love my curves!

5. Most people think I'm a snob, but it's just coz I'm not a conversation starter and I'm actually really shy.

6. I'm some what of a prude!

7. I over-analyse every detail of my life.

8. I'm pretty sensitive, but put on a brave and sometimes aloof face to avoid getting hurt. This is also the reason why I keep a certain amount of distance from people.

9. I love my mother the most, but I know I'll do things to hurt her and it tears me apart to think about it.

10. I get depressed very easily.

11.I lack confidence & social skills, even though some people might think otherwise. I have a very low self esteem and need a lot of reassurance to keep me from losing it.

12. I love my life in London but I miss my family and the life dearly, but I'm glad I have my boyfriend for support.

13. Having my own career and being financially independent is crucial for me - I have always wanted this - since I was a very young girl.

14. I was bullied in school and even though people say I should let go, I still carry the burden of not being good enough.

15. I'm not into night life anymore - if I want to go out, I'd rather go to a quiet bar for a nice cocktail and conversation.

16. I would love to live in New York.

15. I'm addicted to Second Life - Yes I'm a loser !

16. I'd rather read a book than watch TV

17. If I take something on I need it to be perfect - I enjoy hard work and challenges. When I'm over burdened with work, I might feel weak, but I feel immense joy when I finish whats been given to me successfully.

18. I love Chanel !! But think luxury is over-rated, and people who have it take their life for granted.

19. Nothing makes me more happy than to write, I enjoy writing - be it a press release, a poem, a story or just random rants!

20. I've been in love twice.

21. I want to open a restaurant one day.

22. I hate the instability of my life right now and I hate being weak.

23. I want my parents to be proud of me.

24. My favourite colour is Blue not Pink, as most people think it is.

25. I really appreciate everyone whose come into my life, my friends mean a lot to me.


xxx

I'll remember you....

<3 x

24

Doesn't feel that special! Just the same old same old. Miss my family and friends, extremely. Phone keeps pinging with wishes. i like birthdays a lot! But it just doesn't feel special... And I want to feel special, just for a day :) I'm still 5 years old getting excited about birthdays...maybe I'm the only one who enjoys turning old!
Oh well...a very happy birthday to me :)
Xxx

Sick!

You know that feeling you get when things don't go exactly the way you had planned. The sudden realization that life is slipping away. It may come to you as you are doing the dishes or as you lay awake in bed. The feeling that churns your stomach and makes you feel sick and weak. When you feel devoid of any emotion, you should be angry but you can't...you should cry because you are hurt, but you can't. You just sit there, in silence.
You have just lost your dreams, and realized you were not chasing happiness after all. You are alone except that voice in your head telling you off for being so insanely stupid! You want to react, want to scream back saying it all hasn't been in vain. But you can't. All you can do is sit there, in silence.
It's not a very good feeling at all. The silence defeans you - it is louder than anything else you have heard, you want to make it stop, but you can't...

xxx

I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide...

I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead

Song by Edwin McCain - I'll be your crying shoulder

When I look into your eyes the sun always shines even on a cloudy day! I love you with all I have.

xxx

"When I die I want to go to Vogue."

First issue of Vogue India. Photographed by Patrick Demarchelier.

OMG! It's everything I've dreamt of and more :) Short lived but cherished forever !!!

*Quote in the title by David Bailey.

Love !

xxx

*Meow*

Your Ego is Very Small

You don't have a high opinion of yourself. You're happy with who you are, but you don't feel special. You believe you're just like everyone else. You aren't more unique or more deserving. While it's good to be humble, make sure you don't sell yourself short. You may not have a superiority complex, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself.

How Big Is Your Ego?

Getting Techy!

*sqqqqqueeeeeeee* As one of the guys in the newstory below voices my personal opinion about Macs : I love everything shiny and Mac *giggles*


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

OMG! Awesomeness, although personally I feel it would be super difficult to use it on a daily basis, or worse when you are drunk! I know for a fact I can't even use a touch phone when I've had a teeny weeny bit of *gasps* alcohol!
I do agree it's pretty damn cool though and extremely innovative! I <3 Mac! Although I might be bending towards getting a Vaio sometime soon - because Mac doesn't support a lot of things I need! *sigh*

Video credit : http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary

xxx

Ridiculously Tiny Feet

I'll be lucky in Japan. XD

xxx

Twice borrowed

I was catching up on HolyTrance - it's a blog that I really enjoy reading. There is a post there which was borrowed from somwhere off the Internet. I want to share it here on my bloggie because not only is it beautifully written, but also because a huge part of me is reflected in those words. Those who know me would understand why. So here it is:

I’m not a perfect girl... my hair doesn’t
always stay in place, and I spill a lot of
things. I’m pretty clumsy and sometimes
I have a broken heart.
my friends & I
sometimes fight and maybe some days
nothing goes right but when I think about
it and take a step back, I remember how
(amazing) life truly is and that maybe...
just maybe, I like being UNPERFECT!

I’m not the girl who runs up to you when
I see you & am not the girl who jumps at
every moment to talk to you; 'but I am the
girl who keeps it all inside'& regrets it
later. You still give me butterflies…

In my opinion... one of the worst feelings
in the world is wondering how things
could have - would have - should have been.

You will never know how it feels to have the one person
who means everything to you, makes you feel that you're nothing

She's not like most girls her age…
you'd think it would be her routine by now -
you'd think she wouldn't let it get to her -
but the truth is …
you're the only one who can break her now.

It’s like; we’re more than friends;
but less than lovers.

There’s no use stressing over something in the past, because there’s not a damn thing you can do to change it

At some point you have to realize he doesn’t care & you could be missing out on someone who does.

Anyone can be passionate...but only real lovers can be silly.

Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight.

xxx

The Fighter

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)

They said, "You are weak." She stood up in arms and proved them wrong.
They said, "The weak cry." She put a shield to hide any tears.
They said, "You are but a girl, you have no right to dream." She fought for her dreams to come true.

In the end they found her alone, her sword by her side - crying tears of blood. They asked, "Why are you crying? You have everything."

She whispered, "I'm tired. All my life I fought for them, and now I sit here alone, with no one to hold me when I fall."

Therapy

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)

She sat with him by her side. The room felt stuffy as she intertwined his fingers with hers. The kitten they had just bought stroked her leg, sending shivers down her back. She sighed, looking at their palms clasped together - he knew she liked that.

Looking into his eyes she searched for an answer, he looked calm and she was struggling to keep her nerves. She didn't want this to be the last time, she didn't want it to end. Tears filled her big eyes, with quivering lips she asked, "Does she know you better than me?"

For the first time he looked at her, hoping she didn't think this way. He knew her better - he knew her thoughts. He didn't say a word, he couldn't explain why it happened. He stood up, straightened his shirt and walked towards the bedroom door. "Goodnight," he whispered, "You were special."


xxx

So a friend of mine sent me a link to this awesome site today and we both agreed that the one below, and I also never want to forget this, because it's so sweet and this is what love really is :D

Alexandra

As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.

And here's the link to read more of the stories (it's also been added to my blogroll) http://www.onesentence.org/

xxx

The Meeting

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)

She pressed her lips trying her best to remain calm. There was no grey cloud in sight, the sunshine seeped through the glass roof. She imagined what she'd do when it finally happened, a wave or would she dare to hug. Kurt Cobain blasted in her ears, breaking her thoughts.

She searched for her iPod in her bag when she saw the shoes, her eyes followed the pair carefully till it came and stood still facing her. She looked up, staring into his light brown eyes and smiled.

Her eyes flickered, checking the big clock on the opposite wall. He's here before time, she thought, waiting patiently for him to make the first move. He moved towards her, she waved, blushing at the awkward moment. She finally hugged him, letting his hand linger on her arm. They held hands as they spoke of the commute.

With a single movement he pulled her closer and their lips met for the first time. She pulled away, searching his face for the happiness she craved. "I've waited for you so long," he whispered. She let him kiss her again, her heart heavy with joy. She felt a load lifted off her chest, there would be no more grey in her life anymore.

Taken

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)

She put her hand on her hips, it's really crowded here, she thought as people walked past in the tiny store. "Anything you like baby?" she turned to face him. His smile grew wider, "Yes" he whispered, turning her around like a doll. He pointed towards something in front of her. She squinted her eyes, realizing what he was talking about. "Perfect, isn't she" he said, talking about his girl's reflection, "I like that the best."

She tiptoed as he pulled her closer for a kiss. "Yes, unfortunately I think she's taken," she teased. They slipped out of the store just as the familiar tune of Billy Jean started playing. He took her hand in hers, she moved closer to him. She loved how tiny her hand felt in his palm, the security she got from such a simple touch. She intertwined her fingers with his when she felt the cold metal.

She stood still for a moment, regaining herself. The cold metal was a constant reminder. She felt numb, as her breathing grew faster. Yes, he's taken, she sighed; unfortunately, not by me.

I haz humor