WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

It's New Year's Eve evening and everyone I know is getting ready for the millions of parties they have been invited to. Me, on the other hand am sitting comfy in my PJs listening to Five For Fightining confused as hell about what the fuss is?
For me New Year's Eve is a time to spend with your loved ones, to celebrate the fabulous year you have had and a welcome for the coming, hoping that your wishes and dreams will be fulfilled in the future.
I long stopped believing in New Years, specially since it dawned on me that it is just an excuse for people to get massively drunk and be out all night. Let me add, I am no bore, I love partying, often quoted as the "Party Animal" I have enjoyed numerous drunken nights, but New Year's Eve 2006 does not seem a reason good enough for me to get drunk and pretend to have a good time, while I really wish to be home with the people I care about.
I'm terribly confused I have been invited to two parties and I still haven't decided whether I want to go to either. I am just a big ol' fart....no no I am just a big ol' confused fart !!!!!
haiiiiiiiii.....
It's just the end of a bloody month....ok, end of the bloody year....but it wasn't a brilliant year anyways!

xx

ROAD RAGE

As I sat behind the steering wheel after 5-6 odd months I suddenly got first day jitters. You know the feeling you got on the first day of school..well, the jitters I got were similar. I have been driving since I was thirteen years old, so that gives me a lot of practise.
Driving in Calcutta is unlike anywhere else in the world. Noone here follows any rules, and the worst bit of it all is noone can stop honking! Driving in this city is an experience of its own.
The buses here are over filled with people, most of the passengers are hanging out of the door, and the taxi drivers think they own the streets and will not hesitate to corner you, especially if you are a girl driver! So there I was driving very carefully, not to bump into anything or anyone!! Another thing, in my beautiful city noone believes in walking on the pavements adding to the woe of the driver who has to avoid them in order to avoid a brawl!
The distance I had to achieve was short, as soon as I turned out of my house gates my ears were flooded with honks and beeps! Everyone seemed to be in a hurry to go somewhere and I didn't know why. I have never heard so many cars honking at the same time. It was beyond crazy. I tried to keep my cool and continued to drive cautiously, I did't want to get a bump on the brand spanking new car !
I tried, honestly I did. My mother was sitting right next to me and I avoided losing my temper which leads to a lose tongue. But there I was screaming arsehole at the bloody cab driver who parked his car right on the middle of the road. Twenty minutes down my driving experience and I was already suffering from terrible road rage!
I am a calm driver, but with what seemed like a mllion cars beeping I hardly had an option.
The point is, I miss driving in London and I am so glad I drove. I love driving and I think all the road rage is worth it :) Only wish I had a car in London I could drive, life would be so much simpler.
Anyhoo driving in Calcutta is an achievement, and I applaud myself for being able to overcome my fears (of buses crashing into me) and making my little journey. YAY!

xx

Your Emoticon is Sad

You're feeling a tad depressed right now. It will likely pass soon, but for now, you need some major cheering up!

What Emoticon Best Represents You Right Now?

Christmas is a time for gifts, it's always about recieving than giving and everyone knows that.
This year to make it easier to shop for presents for me this year I'm making a list for Santa *hint hint*
All I want for Christmas is....



1) Knit Cap- one of those cool ones.
2) Xbox360- who the fuck said they were boy toys?
3) J'Adore or Chanel no 5...not too fussed...either would do :P
4) Chloe Paddington Bag
5) A spa treatment-somewhere exotic not downtown London!
6) Tickets for a Coldplay concert
7) A printer- so that I don't have to run to Uni just to print a piece of paper!
8) Chocolates!!!!!!!!
9) Those *ROCK* earrings from Accessorize
10) Skinny jeans that actually fit me
11) Jimmy Choos
12) An all expense paid trip to New York/Milan/Paris/Barcelona/Prague
13) A house that cleans itself!
14) A time machine so that I have more time to do my assignments
15) David & Goliath goodies
16) Dinner @ the Ritz- what the hell...a girl can dream!!!
17) A chauffeur driven Bentley
18) A Ferrari
19) A SideKick or a BlackBerry Pearl
20) Balls to get another tattoo- this time on my wrist

All I want for Christmas is EVERYTHING!!!

xx

You know what I Hate is being stopped on my way to work/shopping/home/pub by random people. If you ask me where the tube station is I will reply but what I don't want to hear from random people is that I need a free newspaper, that I need a haircut/makeover, that I look like a model, that I should give money to blah blah charity!
No I don't have thrity seconds to spare, and I am broke! I am my own charity and I know I look like a model so I don't need a makeover!
Next time I get stopped by a random stranger oh god! please let it be them offering me money or work!! Yes I would like that!! Else I am carrying a board around my neck saying "I am a broke student, I can't help you so move out of my way!!!"

xx

Another Saturday night, yet another night in. It makes me wonder what happnened to the party animal in me? From Saturday nights infused with Jack Daniels, Cigarettes and Loud Music to Saturday nights in my PJs watching The OC chatting on MSN. What the hell happened? The transformation is a blur...

I hate having a Best Friend. I mean a best friend is scary. She can read your mind, so why should my best friends be any different?
All through my life I have avoided the word best friend, simply because it is so cliched. But as years go by, I have realised why every girl's life is incomplete without her best friend.
This blog of mine is dedicated to three of my closest friends. You know who you are :)
I have evolved from a nice bully, to the girly girl who loves pink. But even through the transformation process I have been wary of letting people know the real me. I tend not to let people know how I feel. More of a closed book; I usually shy away from confrontations.
Its over the past few months I have realised that I do talk non-stop, specially when surrounded by my best mates. Today was yet another day when the power of best friends was reassured. She knew what I was thinking, she knew how I felt. SO SO Spooky !! And I love her so much for that.
A couple of months back, I was having a conversation with a best friend, who I had almost lost. The "toilet conversation" eventually led me to believe that it is not that hard to let people in.
Yeah, sure people will bully you, people will take you for granted. People will even spread rumors about you. But a true best friend will stick with you throughout. A true best friend will drag you to classes, a true best friend will listen to your confessions. A true best friend is not a diamond she is a star. A star you will always hold close to your heart.
My best friend not only stands by me when I am stressing out about trivial things...the innumerable times she has told me she KNOWS I can do it...but also sits with you on a rickety bench in Harrow, rating boys! I have had the priviledge of having best friends, people who are so unlike me and yet understand me so well. People with whom I don't have to have a conversation for them to understand how I feel. People who are far away from me yet everytime we meet me she still bullies me into DOING THE RIGHT THING! I don't need to talk to my best friend everyday, yet everytime we meet, we start conversations as if we were never apart.
As a child I always had a problem writing the essay titled, MY BEST FRIEND. I think I have accomplished that mammoth of a task today, and thinking about it brings a smile on face.

PS: Love to Steeeeefan my Man, Zoop Zoop and Sonyum :)

gosh...almost a week since my last blog !!
Today, I was woken by the loud noise of the garbage truck. Groggy, I managed to switch on some music on my laptop and get myself a warm cuppa coffee. Listening to Michael Learns to Rock, I wished I was a kid again. I know you must be wondering what MLTR has to do with childhood...but it holds a special place in my heart. Since I am the youngest of the three siblings, I was often at the receiving end of my sister's music collection, which included songs like Can't touch this, Ice Ice Baby, Someday, Paint my love, Nothings gonna change my love for you, I'll be missing you, Last Christmas, Wake me up before you GO GO (this still makes me laugh!!), Father figure, Saturday Night and oh I could go on.
So instead of being a Disney baby, I was more a MTV (wild) child. Back in the days I didn't have a care in the world. Maths was the only thing that bothered me and besides that life was a smooth sail.
Children have it so easy. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up so that people could take me seriously. Well not much has changed since then, I still want people to take me seriously with the exception that now I want to be a kid again. As a child, my parents would always tell me how I have it easy, and I would retort by saying that I want to be an adult so that people understand me. I wish I could go back in my past and tell Mini Me, that I don't have to look forward to becoming an adult because people would still not take me seriously!
I have no regrets, I really don't. I have done loads of things which I know I shouldn't...but hey what would life be without a little excitement? And you do learn from your mistakes. I have had quite a roller coaster of a life so far, and yes, people still treat me like a child and I am still not understood. Added to the miseries is that noone takes me seriously ! Ahhh...the turmoils of an adult life, which a child is prevented from.
If I could, I would go back in the past, just to have a satisfied year full of smiles and no worries. If I could, I would go back in the past, and tell Mini Me, she has the best the world could offer. If I could, I would go back in the past, and enjoy a long breath of carefree being. If I could I would go back in the past, and believe in the words uttered by my parents, "You have it easy because you are still young, make the most of it."

OMG!!! just saw the new episode of One Tree Hill....and loved it sooo much !! OH the drama !! Best episode everrrrrrrrrrr !!!! x

Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Happy Halloween.
Oh what fun it is to ride,
In a yellow submarine.

Why do I keep avoiding going to Sainsburys?
I have just spent the past 45 minutes in my kitchen, looking for food, believing that I have food in the fridge. I was soooo wrong ! The only thing edible in my fridge is Melons, not what I had planned for dinner !
After days of going hungry, I finally decided to cook myself a delicious meal- an Indian meal aka HARD WORK. Instead I was thwarted by the emptiness of my refrigerator. I have been thinking about making peas curry for myself for quite some time now. Pleased with the fact, I ignored my tummy's growling when I passed a welcoming Pret. To cook peas curry, the main ingredient is, but of course, PEAS. As I searched my fridge in vain, I realised that my portion of peas has gone missing. After much thought I remembered the last time I cooked, during which I emptied the peas packet into my then delicious curry. Disappointed as I was, I wasn't ready to give up on my mission to cook. So I searched the freezer for frozen parathas. An easy option, but yet again I faced disappointment when I realised I don't have any packets of frozen Parathas. Searching all the shelves, the only eatable options I found were:
1) Maggi (not dinner material)
2) Popcorn (yet again not dinner material)
3) Pasta (not my favourite one, and that too on the top shelf !)

Talk about mission impossible !
And I wonder why do I avoid going to Sainsburys? I mean its barely minutes away from home. But think about it this way. Aisles of freezers, bright lights that blind you, and happy families around, eugh, the thought makes me sick ! To add to the woes, walking home alone, with bags full of heavy unwanted food. I say unwanted for a reason. Shopping on a hungry tummy makes you want to pick up every food item you see. I do not wish to bring home a tub of Phish Food or a frozen pizza ! I shall only regret later.
As I console myself with illogical reasons, I reach for the telephone to call for yet another meal on wheels ! There goes my resolution for healthy eating...*sigh*

Nicknames

Oh how I love nicknames. Last night I was trying to remember the different names people call me and here are a few I remember.

Shrutters *love this one*
Shrutinderjit *don't even ask*
Shrutz *used to love it at one point of my life but absolutely hate it now*
Trendy Wendy *self imposed ;)*
Guddi *ahem*
Guds *ermmm*
Gud-day *my lil cousin used to call me that...laughs*
Moti *my brother gave me that name and it hasn't changed over the years*
Guddia *mommy daddy call me this :)*
Guddu Rani *lol...my uncle calls me that...cheesy I know..but it brings a smile on my face*
Shrutu *absolutely love it*
Quapa Nerd *this one makes me laugh*
Stinking lil Poo *don't ask!!!*
Rapchik Fairy
Drama Queen *coz thats who I am!!*
KalamWali Bai *coz the pen is mightier than the Mop!*

Thats all for now folks!!!

I think people can smell fear. I have never felt so scared in all my life. Being in an unknown place not only daunted me, it took away all the confidence I had.
The only way I have known to cope with London is to put on a brave face. I try seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to get rid of the darkness around me. And thats made me what I am today- cold and ruthless. I am callous and I don't care about other people. I put on a mask but noone really knows who I am. But is it really worth it?
I believe it is. Why trust someone only to be heart broken in the end? Why give a 100% for nothing? I am in a terrible state right now, I hate who I am and I hate everything around me. I need a change, a positive one. I don't need a hero to save me, coz a hero is nothing but a man who doesn't even know how to wear his underpants! But I do need comfort. I need reassuarnce, and I need to know I am still the STAR I was once.
People say I am pretty, but for what? I don't want to be judged as a bimbette with trendy clothes. I am much deeper than most people take me for. I am not stupid, I am not irresponsible, I just live in my own world. The only person I trust is myself and that is my fault alone. In all these years I resent that I have become more hateful than ever. My prettiness, my giggles hide true feelings, if only you would dig deeper.
I contradict myself, I forget things, but I am still me !! Words flow out of my mouth, my fingers seem to want to write everything down, but I fear the reaction.
I am scared of the world, I am scared of the future. But most of all I am scared of the one person I shouldn't be scared of. I hold my feelings for myself alone, I pretend to live in a world I am not even a part of. I have given up on most of my dreams a long time ago. And slowly I will give up on the one dream I have ever cherished.

PS: I am still craving falafels !!
PPS: I hate the bakerloo line!

Its 1am and i still can't get sleep !! Sitting in this dark and comparitively empty room, listening to linger, I wonder what made me come to a strange new city. I am not the kind of person who gets homesick, but as the work pressure increases I miss being with family. I miss having people I could depend on. I miss chilling with mom, I miss the fact that my family could always get a reaction out of me. These days to actually get a true reaction from me is such a rarity.
I had my smoke meeting today, and surprise surprise, the smoke has been banned yet again ! This is really frustrating me. It all seems to boil down to the news team and well I do take the responsibility but the lack of communication is killing me !!
I feel like a lost child, a mute. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. When is it alright to throw the towel and walk away? When is alright to run away from your demons? Sooner maybe than later, before the demons eat up everything you believe in.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
- Nelly Furtado

Sundays are never good! Its either raining and you are stuck at home or its sunny and you are stuck doing work ! Well, work can not always be bad. But what about the time work makes you feel like shit !!
There are so many things running around in my mind right now. I don't know what to put my finger on.
On a friend's facebook I read: Quitters are never winners, Winners are never Quitters.
And today I am faced with the biggest dilemma of my life...am I a quitter or a winner? I know to win you have to work hard and often take a lot of bullshit. But what if when you taking bullshit and still not getting appreciated? I have worked successfully in a place where I was appreciated and definitely not treated as a kid or the new comer.
The question that keeps running in my head...should I give up something I love and something I could learn from just because I don't feel appreciated?
When I was filling in a questionnaire about Work Experiences last year, the one answer that came from my heart and mind alike was that no matter where I work I want my work to be appreciated.
I need answers coz I can't find them within myself. I am not afraid to ask for help coz I know someone somewhere better than me exits.
I love my work. Surely to ask for appreciation is not a sin? To give and not receive leads to frustration ! Which in turn leads to quitting!!
Till then I will continue to search...For the one answer I need to know-AM I A QUITTER OR WINNER?

DEATH

Dark and gloomy is the day,
Something seems to be on its way.
Dullness all around me.
Sadness is what is making me weak.
I have to go that I know.
But the love I have for you I cannot show.
Please do not weep,
The love we share is very deep.
No regret I have, no sorrow, nor joy.
I know this will be my final goodbye.

I see it coming closer to me,
Oh, I wish these tears from my eyes wouldn’t creep.
The priest is here, saying the prayers,
Mother hold me please, I am very scared.
Through joy and sorrow you have always been there,
I am sorry for I will no longer be there.

Goodbye Papa, please pray for me,
I have always been the black sheep of the family.
Is there no way out for me,
I really need you to be beside me.

I feel the divinity; I feel the silence,
I no longer feel the pain.
Now I know I will live again,
Far away from land and sea,
Paradise is where I will be.


03 February 2003.

arrrrgghhhh

I hate men ! I hate Harrow men ! I hate the boys in my university ! I'm gonna wear a burkha and go to classes now !!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh

Note to all boys:

Cat Calling won't get you anywhere
Nor will stalking.
If a girl says she doesn't wanna talk to you...WALK AWAY !
Have some self respect.
You not gonna get me like this...HELL you not gonna get any girl this way !
I'm not a dreamer, I'm not a romantic,
But the last thing I wanna hear from my stalker is that I look like an Indian Actress/Model.
Heres a thought
Why don't you try being a nice guy for a change.
The nice guys come last, and trust me they have the last laugh, at your expense !!!

Celebration.

My friend clicked it for a project he was doing. I just love the way the sand seems to be dancing with the model. Its one of my favourite pictures. It manages to express so many things without saying anything.

I got this in my mail box. Hope it cheers you up as well.


HAVING A BAD DAY?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask..
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.


___________________________________________


Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________



Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________



Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. ____________________________________________


What?! STILL having a bad day??


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?