A letter to the year that was

Dear 2009,

I am here to wish you farewell. You have been a tough one, a year I would like to erase from my memory.

I know we all learn from our mistakes, and I've never been one to shy away from it. I made mistakes this year, I fell, but then I stood up - wiped the dust of my clothes and was willing to walk again. They say, tough times make you the person you are - but I'm afraid tough times, just end up making a person tough. Personally, I think it's got to be really hard trying to live a life without being touched by softness and tenderness.

2009, you really kicked me below the belt and I'm trying to find the heart to forgive you and I guess over the years I will. Loneliness is in my nature, but this year, for most of the time, you left me distraught and estranged. I put on my tough face, and frankly that didn't help. It only pushed everyone further.

I've lost more relationship battles this year than I have won. I have lost people I love and care for, only to have them back & lose them again. But most of all, I've lost something I fought so hard to achieve - my self confidence.

Towards the end, you really took the piss when people told me I've wasted two years of my life - damn, that hurt. I grew confident over those two years - I found out me. Only to be knocked back down.

Physically, 2009 you are the year that my health really played havock. I'd be goddamned grateful if I don't have to go to surgery in 2010, which by the look of things - I probably will have to. I've never been to a hospital - not unless I was visiting someone - you know how scary that is?

Professionally, I learnt the ropes of a new trade & mastered it. I was given hope, only to be crushed down. To really make the pain worse, people came and told me, I don't try hard enough.

2009, help me please - I'm trying to find a happy moment with you, and I can't.

So, I've been foolish and reckless, but do I really deserve this? I am not going to celebrate the end of you - you are right now my closest friend. All those horrible memories of you are the only thing that remind me of being remotely human. The hollow heart bleeds.

You know 2009, I'm just like any other girl - just one, that has no one to go to. This was the year, I alienated my friends, and some alienated me.

I'm raging a battle inside of me. The last day of the year and frankly I don't know who I hate more - you 2009 or me.

Best wishes,
Shrutters x

Same

If I've learnt one thing over this year it is this - people are not nice. I know it's said if you are nice to someone, they will be nice to you. Maybe it's my own fault and I'm completely horrible - but end of the year & I've learnt I have no one to lean on to.
Even the closest of closest people think I went out to hurt them, when I didn't. My head is spinning all over the place and I swear to God, I never tried to hurt anyone.
Even when I was 14, and my supposedly best friend spread vile rumors about me, I didn't do anything - I let it go. That's who I am - I passively let things pass me by. I'm scared of emotion - coz I am so full of it.
I just wish people were easier to understand... I am exhausted and tired of all the fights. I just want this year to end and I would like to say I'm looking forward to the next year - but truth is, I'm not.
It's gonna be the same shit all over again.

LDN

London - I miss you, a lot!

I miss your over crowded tubes & smelly people.
I miss your rain, and how you ruin my hair with the wind.

I miss my street lined with bars and homeless alcoholics.
I miss Papa Johns.

I miss my friends, who never told me I laugh too loud or cry too much.
I miss my parties, where no matter where I went, it felt good 'coz I was surrounded by people who knew me.

I miss dinners, keeping restaurants open even if it was just us.
I miss how easy it was to talk to people.
I miss conversations.

I miss how you made me fall in love with wine.
I miss how my friends knew what to get to make a party work for me.

I miss your humor, your dry wit.
I miss how you always told me how it was.
I miss Burger King breakfasts at 4pm (that's when I'd wake up after a good night)

I miss the dreaded trip to Sainsbury's.
I miss the merciless, monotonous noise of the trains.

I miss staying up to watch Family Guy.
I miss weekends of Heroes.

I miss the cold basement of my old office.
I miss how chocolate was always around, no matter which company I worked for.
I miss Kiss FM, I miss BBC Radio 1

I miss your summers, I miss your winters.
I miss how I was always either too hot, or too cold.

I miss the familiarity.


I miss you - more than anyone could ever know.
'Coz LDN, you saw me grow up from a shy introvert to giggling mess of a woman !