Ra ra ra roma ma ma, ga ga ga oo la la !

It's simple to say I *heart* her



I want your leather studded kisses !! <3

xxx

Love and Marriage

There's something about the term "marriage" that sends chills down my back, and not in a good kind of way ! For some crazy reason, I don't believe in it at all.

I know, somewhere along the line, I will get married. It might be outta sheer pressure from my parents or because I'd want to spend every second of my life with someone who actually loves waking up next to me. I don't know.

A bunch of my close school friends are married now. When I say a bunch, three out of the five or six of us. I was hanging out with them the other day, I ended up quietly brooding in one corner, mainly because the topic of conversation revolved around jewelery and marriage ! Two things, I don't like, unless it's Erickson Beamon jewelery!

This freaks me out ! I know it shouldn't freak out a girl whose twenty four and a half year old who has been raised to believe that the right age for a girl to get married is twenty three, but it does !

I'm a big cynic when it comes to things like love and marriage. I refuse to believe that someone could love another person so much for the rest of their lives. The whole idea of taking someone for granted creeps in and I LOVE the unpredictable. How many husbands randomly get flowers for their wives? Life creeps in, kids creep in, priorities change. I'm not selfish and I understand that as you grow older, life changes and other things require more attention than whispering cute nothings (total cheese no!!) Love shove fades away and all you are left with is a very hectic life ! I understand that love can be a very simple gesture, like having your partner's coffee ready every morning because you know if you don't keep it ready she'll be running late ! It's the simple things in life no? So when these simple things cease to exist then what?

The kind of guy I would want to be with probably doesn't exit. I'd have to carve him out myself. This guy would totally be totally comfortable with my long silences AND my crazy antics !! He would understand that I'm full of contradictions, that one day I'd be totally pro marriage and the next day I'd be anti it, he'd know that even though I work in the fashion industry, I often find people like me empty and shallow and thus I constantly try to like everything else but fashion ! He would know that I'm so full of emotion that I could cry and laugh at the same time (I'm weird!!) He would understand and also encourage the fact that I love work more than I could ever love a guy! He would be okay with the fact that I'm a little fucked up in my head! I've been with guys who don't bat an eyelid when I cry, to guys who would freak out if I so much as said "ouch" on the phone ! There is a long list and I don't know if anyone would fit in. I'm not demanding, I don't like materialistic things. I'd rather get a random call saying "Hey dude, I freakin love you" rather than a Louis V ! youkowwhatimsayin?

I once got into a conversation with a friend, who was completely surprised that I don't believe in marriage, even though I have not seen one broken marriage ! We came to the conclusion, I'm scared of marriage, simply because there is a lot of peer and other pressure for me to settle down with a normal life! Marriage wouldn't be so scary if I was allowed to do it at my own time. Surely, if you love you don't need to put it in writing so that society accepts & respects you as a couple? I feel marriage is more a social obligation than something that makes a couple happy! I maybe wrong, but then again it's my blog, my opinion !!

To be honest, I don't even know if love exists or if it is simply a term you put together when two people just want to be with each other for completely selfish reasons?

xxx

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

So it's kinda known that I don't write happy posts. You can't say I didn't try, "Happiness for sale" was a pretty happy post, no?

But the fact is, of late, I'm actually really happy :) I have Tiny Dancer by Elton John constantly stuck in my head and I dance a little when no one is looking, of course I'm not crazy to dance when someone IS looking ! :P

I have a job, it's not the ideal job, but it's a job nonetheless AND if anyone who knows me, will know, I'd rather be doing something than sit at home. I love the idea of waking up early and actually have something to do with my life. My job can be pretty sucky and I get hit by massive dust allergy as soon as I walk into my office (imagine, Shrutters sneezing throughout the day!!), but I love love love love that I'm doing something.

The thing is, I'm not the kinda person who likes to go shopping and for lunches and stuff all the time. I have this innate desire to do something other than that, maybe that's why I'm so fuckin' scared of ever becoming a housewife !! Although saying that, if I do ever become a housewife, I'd be the motherfucking best Stepford Wife ever !!

Also, since I've moved to Bombay now, I have an inkling I just might might might be able to do things I always wanted to. The thing about Bombay is, you get the opportunity. I'm away this weekend, but there is the Kala Ghoda festival going on, and I love that festival. It's so artsy and kitschy! Also, every time I read about a random play or art show in the paper, I make a mental note that I'll go for it. There was this art show about modern Krishna & his sexuality (I know, I know) and it's a collection of photographs, that I thought was pretty cool. There was this one picture with a dude dressed up as modern Krishna riding a Vespa I think (I *heart* Vespa OK!!)

Right now, I'm still settling in, but I'm pretty damn sure that I'll end up doing a lot of things I've wanted to, I'd be darned if I don't !!



So let me go back to my dancing, I'll write an emo post soon, I promise :D

xxxx

C'est la vie, mon cherie

Life is a funny thing. A dark comedy at it's best.

Yesterday, my uncle started a discussion. He asked, " what is more important in life?" It was a multiple choice question, to which he argued, breath is most important in life, without breath, you can't have a life. My sister and I argued happiness is more important - what is the use of breathing daily when you are unhappy?

I've always believed life is really about chasing happiness. Now, happiness can mean different things to different people. For some its wealth, for some it's the affection of their kids, for some it's having at the very least three meals and a roof to live under. Happiness is what we all aim for.

Happiness along with content is what life is all about. Life is hard, why make it more complicated?

I love the Persian saying, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet."

We all want a lot of happiness, true and it's not bad to want to be happy. But we need to understand what happiness and being content truly means.

I have met so many people who hate their jobs. I'm sorry you feel that you can't contribute enough, or achieve what you want to in your job. But think a second about those people who have lost their jobs or don't have a job at all, even though they believe they have the potential.

I worked hard through my university days, I was always bordering towards below average in school. When I moved to London, I wanted to prove to a lot of people that I am capable. I wanted a good job, so I studies, interned, worked in the uni newspaper, uni tv, and even tried my hand at hospital radio.

I don't come from a background where girls or even boys are allowed to do whatever they want.

Two years after graduating, I'm still unemployed. It hurts.

I don't believe in regrets, but since we are on the topic of life, I thought I'll share one thing that has completely altered my life.

The day I moved back from India. Maybe in a few years' time I won't be filled with such remorse. But I wish I could go back to life pre-October 2009. For most of the time, I was happy. I was content. And it was because I had the one thing in my life there, that refuses to come here with me. I had moments of sheer depression and frustration in London, but nothing compared to this.

"Loneliness is the most terrible poverty." But when you are surrounded even by familiar faces and you feel alone, that's terrible! To know, that not a single one of them knows you, it hurts.

I feel broken to the point of no repair. I feel alone and I don't know where I belong.

Yes, indeed in life you could have everything, all the luxuries and amenities, but it all fails when your heart is crying out for help.

I've had this song playing in loop in my head the last couple of days, and it seems so right:

"I haven't really found a place I call home,

I never really stick around long to make it...it's just a thought, only a thought."

- life for rent by di

*sorry I don't remember the correct lyrics, but the song fits.

* loneliness quote by Mother Theresa

Xxx

If I was a rich girl

Just a few things I'm currently in love with. Deets after cut.


1. A print about love by Danny Roberts - check out his blog Igor+ Andre
2. Panda beanie from River Island
3. Lace print leggings by Alexander Mcqueen at Net-a-porter.com
4. Dark rise skinny jeans from River Island
5. Lace up ankle boot from River Island
6. Lace booties by Proenza (looooveeeee)
7. Cosmo 120 python pumps by Christian Louboutin at Net-a-porter.com
8. Wah Nails - London
9. The minnie hairband by Yokoo (looove this in pink)
10. Knucle duster clutch by Alexander Mcqueen at Net-a-porter.com
11. French Vogue January 2009 - I love this picture of Milla Jovovich
12. Tadao's Malachite (Heels) by Heavy Machine
13. Surveillance tshirt by Commune
14. Lake bed sheet by Bless
15. Peep toe zip heels from River Island
16. The Girls in glasses by Danny Roberts
17. Harman Kardongla - 55 speakers
18. Lace embroidered satin dress by Alexander Mcqueen at Net-a-porter.com

xxx

Books

I really wish I could get lost in books right now, but I don't know what to read. Any suggestions? :(

A letter to the year that was

Dear 2009,

I am here to wish you farewell. You have been a tough one, a year I would like to erase from my memory.

I know we all learn from our mistakes, and I've never been one to shy away from it. I made mistakes this year, I fell, but then I stood up - wiped the dust of my clothes and was willing to walk again. They say, tough times make you the person you are - but I'm afraid tough times, just end up making a person tough. Personally, I think it's got to be really hard trying to live a life without being touched by softness and tenderness.

2009, you really kicked me below the belt and I'm trying to find the heart to forgive you and I guess over the years I will. Loneliness is in my nature, but this year, for most of the time, you left me distraught and estranged. I put on my tough face, and frankly that didn't help. It only pushed everyone further.

I've lost more relationship battles this year than I have won. I have lost people I love and care for, only to have them back & lose them again. But most of all, I've lost something I fought so hard to achieve - my self confidence.

Towards the end, you really took the piss when people told me I've wasted two years of my life - damn, that hurt. I grew confident over those two years - I found out me. Only to be knocked back down.

Physically, 2009 you are the year that my health really played havock. I'd be goddamned grateful if I don't have to go to surgery in 2010, which by the look of things - I probably will have to. I've never been to a hospital - not unless I was visiting someone - you know how scary that is?

Professionally, I learnt the ropes of a new trade & mastered it. I was given hope, only to be crushed down. To really make the pain worse, people came and told me, I don't try hard enough.

2009, help me please - I'm trying to find a happy moment with you, and I can't.

So, I've been foolish and reckless, but do I really deserve this? I am not going to celebrate the end of you - you are right now my closest friend. All those horrible memories of you are the only thing that remind me of being remotely human. The hollow heart bleeds.

You know 2009, I'm just like any other girl - just one, that has no one to go to. This was the year, I alienated my friends, and some alienated me.

I'm raging a battle inside of me. The last day of the year and frankly I don't know who I hate more - you 2009 or me.

Best wishes,
Shrutters x

Same

If I've learnt one thing over this year it is this - people are not nice. I know it's said if you are nice to someone, they will be nice to you. Maybe it's my own fault and I'm completely horrible - but end of the year & I've learnt I have no one to lean on to.
Even the closest of closest people think I went out to hurt them, when I didn't. My head is spinning all over the place and I swear to God, I never tried to hurt anyone.
Even when I was 14, and my supposedly best friend spread vile rumors about me, I didn't do anything - I let it go. That's who I am - I passively let things pass me by. I'm scared of emotion - coz I am so full of it.
I just wish people were easier to understand... I am exhausted and tired of all the fights. I just want this year to end and I would like to say I'm looking forward to the next year - but truth is, I'm not.
It's gonna be the same shit all over again.

LDN

London - I miss you, a lot!

I miss your over crowded tubes & smelly people.
I miss your rain, and how you ruin my hair with the wind.

I miss my street lined with bars and homeless alcoholics.
I miss Papa Johns.

I miss my friends, who never told me I laugh too loud or cry too much.
I miss my parties, where no matter where I went, it felt good 'coz I was surrounded by people who knew me.

I miss dinners, keeping restaurants open even if it was just us.
I miss how easy it was to talk to people.
I miss conversations.

I miss how you made me fall in love with wine.
I miss how my friends knew what to get to make a party work for me.

I miss your humor, your dry wit.
I miss how you always told me how it was.
I miss Burger King breakfasts at 4pm (that's when I'd wake up after a good night)

I miss the dreaded trip to Sainsbury's.
I miss the merciless, monotonous noise of the trains.

I miss staying up to watch Family Guy.
I miss weekends of Heroes.

I miss the cold basement of my old office.
I miss how chocolate was always around, no matter which company I worked for.
I miss Kiss FM, I miss BBC Radio 1

I miss your summers, I miss your winters.
I miss how I was always either too hot, or too cold.

I miss the familiarity.


I miss you - more than anyone could ever know.
'Coz LDN, you saw me grow up from a shy introvert to giggling mess of a woman !

Lol...

I'm easily amused ! Indian soaps are taking over the world... *laughs her head off*

xxx

The rat race

Recently, I realized all the people I've worked with in the recent past, all of them (and I mean ALLLLL) are no longer in the same position as they were when I knew them.

Everyone has gone up to become editors, junior editors or deputy editors. They all were assistants & are not much older than I am!

Oh ! I feel like the tortoise in the rat race & the finish line seems so far !!!!

xx

Vitrual Fuckery

We all have one, some may use it more than the others, but we all use it! I'm talking about social networking sites. It's pretty hard to ignore any conversation regarding Facebook, Myspace or Twitter. The media talks about, the celebrities love it. But what is this damned craze to connect with each other over a virtual network that drives us all insane?

Rewind a couple of years back, when I was a gawky little teen, I remember it was a pretty big deal to put up a picture of yourself on the internet - in case it fell into the wrong hands. Infact, people who posted their pictures online were considered uncool! But today, I have over 800 pictures of myself on my Facebook and dozens of albums with my friends being silly and having fun. It's like a storage space for me, like the time I lost my laptop, THANK GOD for Facebook as I still managed to have all my pictures, my memories.

I see kids as young as ten on Facebook with their pictures and I'm left a bit amazed. Recently, a certain incident left me shocked. Sure, you hear horror stories about people getting sacked because of their Facebook profile. There is an email that has been doing the rounds about this guy who got sacked because he pulled a sickie and his Facebook stated that he was actually not ill - just wanted a day off work.

A colleague of mine, with whom I've had my difference recently did a really stupid thing. She took pictures of herself in the office, dressed in one of our's clients clothes and posing in a very glamour model way - think The Sun page 3 model and posted it on Facebook. To take pictures were stupid in itself, but to post it on a social networking site - what was she thinking? To add fuel to the fire, she actually had the client on her friend list who was outraged at the pictures. It's an easy to guess she didn't stay in office for long after that.

The security on my Facebook is set to super high, so someone who is not on my list can't see my pictures. Heck, if you google me, my Facebook profile won't show up. But recently, my boyfriend (the geek!! *grins*) told me that if he wanted he could access all my pictures without my consent. I was left a tad bit baffled.

So what is this insane desire to be on a social networking site? How long before we move on to something shiny and new? The desire to be popular and take part in this virtual fuckery mocks me as I continue to actively take part in Facebook.

xxx

Being controversial

Recently, I stumbled upon this link on my cousin's Facebook page. Apart from his usual antics, I rarely see my cousin upload anything good enough - so when I read Channel 4 Dispatches on his profile, it really caught my eye.

The link lead me to Vimeo, where the latest Channel 4 Dispatches show had been published. The catch was, no one knew when the video would be removed from the site. My apologies, for not publishing the video on my blog, as it has been removed from both Vimeo and Channel's 4 official page.


The title of the video, itself, got me extremely excited. Channel 4 Dispatches is one of my favourite shows on television. To call it a show, would be disregarding it, because it actually is a series of documentaries. Every week, they take up a topic and discuss it in detail. On 30th June 2009, they put light on a topic very close to home. I missed it when it was aired so I was really pleased that I could finally watch it.

Most people may remember the terror attacks in the city of Mumbai on 26th November 2008. It was earth shatteringly scary and the plan boggled many of the people. Initially no one knew how many people had attacked - the plan was so cunning and heartless it left the city in a complete state of shock. But Mumbai being Mumbai, bounced back.

I remember that day was my nephew's birthday and I was busy packing for my trip to New York the next day, when I saw the news. When I saw it, I couldn't call my family, who were at the time in Mumbai and are regulars at the Taj Hotel. I could just pray they were fine. On a recent trip to Mumbai, when we went to the Taj for dinner, my sister felt extremely weird.

The documentary, well made as it always is shocked me beyond belief. Most people may not know this about me, but I love politics, I'm opionated and I love to discuss current affairs. Unfortunately, frustrating as it may be, I never find anyone willing enough to discuss current affairs - I guess people like to shy away from "serious" conversations.

Dispatches - Terror on Mumbai showed the various incidents of the horror - incidents that I couldn't find on BBC during their coverage. They showed phone conversations between the terrorists who were attacking and the person who was plotting. From these conversations and CCTV images you could see these boys were at times scared, at times ruthless. At one instance when they entered the Taj they were so taken aback by the luxury that they had to be repeatedly reminded of the job at hand. I'm not sympathizing, I find it pathetic how people end up on the wrong side of society.

What's more shocking is the media coverage? Ok, so I work in the media - but even I was repelled. I remember having a discussion with a few classmates at university. It's one of the most vivid conversations in my head. It was the journalists students against the public relations students and the discussion was war coverage. The discussion - is covering every aspect of war justified? The PR students were against the idea, saying that it puts the army and the government in a bad image. The journalists students, as shocked as we were, stood our grounds claiming that if something wrong is happening, it's vital to bring it to the attention of the masses. From the opposition's point of view, such coverage hurts the patriotic sentiments of a nation. The discussion was over, with neither of the sides believing what the others said, but what was agreed was in case a coverage causes hindrance in public and the country's safety then it's perfectly reasonable to not air or publish it. What I saw in the documentary shook my moral and ethical values, was the media actually unintentionally helping in all this? The operators of this drastic event were watching every scene on their television sets and once in a while proclaiming their delight on the phone to the attackers.

Lastly, I don't mean to be rude, or point fingers at someone - I know the Indian intelligence and police risked their lives that day. Many of the good men lost their lives, but I'm just curious, if the Indian Intelligence was recording the phone conversation why couldn't they stop it before it started?

I'm baffled. Life is a very precious thing, events like this make you realize how scary death is. Life may not always be sunshines and rainbows, value what you have...

xxx

Just coz I love the meaning of the song!

If music be the food of love, play on - Shakespeare

I was standing on the platform today, when this guy walked up and stood next to me. The train was still a whole three minutes and I could hear this thumping noise coming from somewhere. It was really audible, almost as if the music was on loud speaker. What was this - was London Transport finally installing music on platforms for my mild entertainment? Nah ! I doubt them misers would show such a kind gestures.



Then I looked at that guy and thought, "U2, really?" I smiled. I got nothing against Bono and his guys. But you know when you look at someone and immediately think "Bob here would be into a little rock n'roll", and then BAM! it hits ya, Bob is a cheeky git who actually loves Spice Girls and he is straight !!

Still smiling, I fumbled around my bag to find my own iPod, pressed play only to look up embarassed. Playing on the little gadget stuck in my bag was All I Have To Give - Backstreet Boys. Hey! Don't judge me, my iPod is a bit outdated.

xxx

A new toy!

Recently, I stumbled upon this great website. It's fun, it's quirky and it's so ME! All the boys look away now, coz this is all about fashion & style!

The website is called Looklet and it's perfect for the fashionista (or lack of) in me. I don't think I have a lot of style, but I look playing with looks. The website allows you to style their models in all the designer and high street gear. It's quite kooky, but I love it.

I created a vintage crazy look and here is the result. It's called Granny, because it's like raiding your granny's cupboard. Vintage jacket, pearls, grandad's hat, mum's old skirt...well ya know basic vintage :D

I can't stop playing with the different looks I can create on the website, it makes me soooo happy!!

Every now and then I'm going to upload my looks on my bloggie, just coz I'm trying to become obsessed with fashion. XD

xxx

The parc in the center of it all!

The weather is typically British today, cloudy with little rays of sunlight seeping through. I'm surrounded by what seems like thousands of frustrated fathers, eager mums and hyper active kids.

Kids that come in all sizes and shapes - from the toddler to the brat!
I get a feeling I don't belong here, after all it does seem like I'm the loner here - no kid dangling around my arm!


I'm unsure of how this makes me feel, relieved that I am saved from wailing babies, or sad that I feel terribly alone here and am unable to enjoy.

This is what heaven must feel like to the kids and parents who have dragged themselves and bucket loads of toys to Center Parcs, Elveden forest!

Kiddy disco to adrenaline fueled outdoor activities, this retreat offers you all the amenities under one roof. To pick a few I'd like to try my hand at water skiing, rafting, climbing just to name a few. I'd love to come back with a bunch of adrenaline junkies just to explore the fun.

As I wait outside the toddler centre for my brother, sister in law and nephew to come out and tell me their new exciting plan, I can't help but wonder about babies!

No, I'm not getting broody, I'm just curious as to what makes so many couples bring babies into the world. if the all nights and limited holidays are are anything to go by, I'm amazed to find out when these lil miracles turn into bundles of joy!

I smile and watch people play happy families wondering when my maternal instincts kick in and when I would give up my independent life for more an unfamiliar life!

Ps >I love both my nephews to pieces and yes they can be ten handfuls but I can't imagine my life without their giggles and laughter :)

XX

Mistakes

The following text is entirely fictional. Resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. :)


She dropped her keys on the table and looked around. Everything was still the same and yet she couldn't figure out what was missing.
She checked her phone, "No new messages." tears began to well up in her eyes.
Fixing herself a drink and puffing chunks of smoke from her cigirrate, she calculated the one hour time difference, and logged on.
A mail lie unopened in her inbox, her body shivered as she clicked to read it.
"But you're right ... let's just stay friends because apparantly there wasn't anything else on the other side."
She sat there alone in the darkness with only the glow of her laptop screen.
She never did forgive herself for letting him go...
Xxx

<3 Love

xx

25 things about me, coz tagging is lame!

1. I hate shopping! Most people think I'm a shopaholic, but I have to be forced to actually buy something!

2. I love to talk, but I love to listen more. I'll only open up to someone I feel connected to, else you will never know what's going on in my mind.

3. I hate confrontations, but I don't like the silent treatment either. I don't mind if someone screams at me or argues, I break down when I'm ignored.

4. I used to deny myself food when I was in my teens because the girls I used to hang out with called me fat and ugly, but I love food now and love my curves!

5. Most people think I'm a snob, but it's just coz I'm not a conversation starter and I'm actually really shy.

6. I'm some what of a prude!

7. I over-analyse every detail of my life.

8. I'm pretty sensitive, but put on a brave and sometimes aloof face to avoid getting hurt. This is also the reason why I keep a certain amount of distance from people.

9. I love my mother the most, but I know I'll do things to hurt her and it tears me apart to think about it.

10. I get depressed very easily.

11.I lack confidence & social skills, even though some people might think otherwise. I have a very low self esteem and need a lot of reassurance to keep me from losing it.

12. I love my life in London but I miss my family and the life dearly, but I'm glad I have my boyfriend for support.

13. Having my own career and being financially independent is crucial for me - I have always wanted this - since I was a very young girl.

14. I was bullied in school and even though people say I should let go, I still carry the burden of not being good enough.

15. I'm not into night life anymore - if I want to go out, I'd rather go to a quiet bar for a nice cocktail and conversation.

16. I would love to live in New York.

15. I'm addicted to Second Life - Yes I'm a loser !

16. I'd rather read a book than watch TV

17. If I take something on I need it to be perfect - I enjoy hard work and challenges. When I'm over burdened with work, I might feel weak, but I feel immense joy when I finish whats been given to me successfully.

18. I love Chanel !! But think luxury is over-rated, and people who have it take their life for granted.

19. Nothing makes me more happy than to write, I enjoy writing - be it a press release, a poem, a story or just random rants!

20. I've been in love twice.

21. I want to open a restaurant one day.

22. I hate the instability of my life right now and I hate being weak.

23. I want my parents to be proud of me.

24. My favourite colour is Blue not Pink, as most people think it is.

25. I really appreciate everyone whose come into my life, my friends mean a lot to me.


xxx