I'm tired

**warning- super depressing**

Of late, it feels like I'm zoning out of my own existence. I don't know why it's happening. But I'm gradually fading away.
I turn 23 in two days. Usually, the hyper bunny in me would be jumping up and down. I somehow have always loved birthdays, be it mine or loved ones. I would plan out my birthday in my head, a party, a dress.
More than that I would imagine what gifts I would get. It's silly and childish, but I love receiving presents. More so, because I love giving them to.
When you are young, everyone plans something special around your birthday, because they know it would make your tiny heart scream with joy. Are birthdays only for kids?
I know, I should be old enough to understand that birthdays are no big deal. But I just can't act like it is any other day. Can I? When it's my friend's birthdays, I try to organize a surprise for them, or book them for an amazing meal. Why wouldn't anyone do it for me?